memories

This week, I had to opportunity to attend a play reading at school. The play was called, "Girl of Glass," and had to do a lot with memories. Something that really stuck with me was the notion that the memories you remember the most are the ones you remember most incorrectly. Isn't that interesting? So, the moments in your life that are the most prized could not even be how you perceive them!

I don't know how I feel about that. In some instances, I'm really glad that some of the memories I've been remembering recently might not be as sweet as I think they were, but on the other hand, that's kind of sad. I guess, you have to take what you remember, and just...remember it.

I've had a REALLY hard last couple of weeks, as I'm sure you gathered from my last post. I'm having a hard time understanding the whole, "bigger picture" aspect of life, and can't quite seem to let certain things go. I know that once I do, my life will be easier, but it's hard when the things you want to forget are ALWAYS around you.
Okay. Lesbihonest. 
I'm talking about a boy. You all know it, I know it, we all know it. (and by we all, I mean the 2.75 of you that will read this.) Yes, it's the same boy I wrote about last post. I seem to forget that I get attached. I HATE that I get attached. I don't like to think that I can give so much of myself to someone, just to have it thrown away, ya know? It's not that I lose control of myself, but I just...let myself care too much. So, when I'm not longer part of that person's life, I can't stop caring. I want them to be happy, but it kills me at the same time. So, I'm stuck in this "I want to be in their life still/I never want to see them again" situation. I want to be a part of his life, but if I try and be too close to him, I'm not going to get over it.

I have a million things going on in my mind at once! I just don't even know what to type, really, because every time I say something, something else just keeps coming up! I want to know WHY. I want to know why we couldn't work. I want to know why I have to feel like this. I want to know why I have to put up with having a sinking feeling in my chest sometimes when I see him. I want to know WHO is going to be the one, and I want to know WHEN I'm going to stop having these feelings towards him.

I just want to be able to be his best friend (like he said he wanted), and not have to worry about feeling like this. So, basically, I sometimes still kind of want to be his girlfriend. I guess. He was my BEST FRIEND, and I miss him! Is that so wrong!?

I hate that I don't know what to do.
I'm not patient.
I know, I know. Have faith, Amelia.

but having faith is HARD.