Emoting

I am doing something I haven't done for a while. Well, okay, I'm doing several things I haven't done in a while:
1. Blogging
2. Watching a show
3. Sitting in my room by myself having alone time


Let's be honest: we all know I LOVE alone time. I mean, I'm the queen of taking myself out on dates, and planning on being a cat lady, and ya know...the works.

However, I was recently in a relationship. A GREAT relationship. It was a ton of fun. I hadn't been this happy in a loooooong time, and I felt really, really, REALLY good about it. I mean, it was different, ya know? The kid let me lick him, and when I asked how he could put up with me, he'd say, "I don't have to put up with you...it's part of your charm!"...and then things weren't really working out. For either of us. Of course. And so we decided it was best to just...end things. I was all for this and ready to go. We were still going to be friends, laugh, talk, tell each other everything, and...it was going to be great. Because I mean, we TALKED about it.

Talking's good, right??

Yes. Talking is key. However, my brain is one of those brains that moves at 12048486394823059238 times the speed of an average person. I think it's a thing...I should be on meds probably.
So, with my special brain, I expected everything to be honky dory the next day.

It wasn't.

I woke up and felt like absolute garbage. I mean 3 week old, been rained on, left out in the street, rotting, smelly garbage. Apparently I was taking it harder than I expected. BIG surprise there.

I cried. I cried A LOT.
I cried ugly cries. And I let people SEE. I cried in public. I wanted to be a person that said, "I've never cried in public," when you play the "Never have I ever..." game, but that dream's now crushed. I knew the second I walked in to school, people knew something was wrong with me.
Also, Don't you just love that feeling? Everyone's staring at you, and you know they are, and you know they know something's wrong with you, but no one's going to ask, and no one's going to stop staring, so the awkwardness ensues. 
Anyway, I was a mess. I knew it, everyone knew it, and we all knew that we all knew it. Even HE knew it. And that made matters worse.

I didn't have a best friend anymore. There were people everywhere, but I felt completely alone. I didn't want to do anything, but I didn't want to be alone. Being awake just meant memories, but going to sleep meant dreaming.

This is all seeming so super a lot dramatic, but the feelings are real. There's nothing you can do but feel them. And that's the worst part. I knew I had to feel low and like I was the bottom of the pile. One thing that hurt the most is that I didn't feel worth it. I had people asking, "why aren't you still together? You guys go SO WELL together. You really worked. You make such a great pair, etc..."
Oh yeah, people? Well, YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

There's nothing worse than wanting to talk to your best friend (or someone you thought to be so) about the crappy time you've been having, but realizing you can't. The one person you want to vent to, is the very person you can't vent to. THE WORST!

I talked to everyone. My mom, my best friend up at school, my best friend from high school, my dad, my voice teacher...if there was anyone who had more than an eternity to listen to my sob story, I would let my emotions spout forth like a freshly thawed creek in spring. But, with each talk, I would make a new discovery. Reasons behind his thinking, reasons behind my thinking, why we wouldn't work, why we would, why I need to move on...it was part of the process, I guess.

You know the song that goes, "breaking up is hard to do."? Well ain't that the truth!? It is so hard. And I HATE IT. I hate dating. There. I said it. I hate dating! Nothing to it. I know I want to be with someone, so why oh why can't they just fall right in my way and say, "Hey, Amelia! I'm here! I've been waiting for you my whole life!!"

Oh yeah. That's not how it works.
Everything happens for a reason. Or something like that.
It does. I REALLY think it does.

I know I'll have ups and downs throughout this process. For instance, right now I want nothing more than to go to his house, knock on his door, let him answer it, and when he does, just...kiss his face. I want to make him remember that we're awesome together. I want him to miss me like I miss him. I want him to realize what he's missing and what I have to offer. I want him to take me back and apologize and I want for it to work. He gets me. I get him. We work.
But we don't. 
We can't. For right now, anyway. For some reason, we aren't supposed to be. It may be forever, it may be for a month...you never know. But, for now, I'm supposed to learn something from this. I'm growing and becoming who I need to be. I HATE that I just used that cliche, but it's true...good will come from this. I know it will.
I hope it will.

It has to.