shut down

Lately, I've felt a lot like a computer. I've had a lot of things going on--a lot of programs running at once, if you will. I had a lot on my plate, as most college students do, and I wanted to do my best at all of them. 

Being a theatre student seems like it would be easy, but it's the busiest I've ever been. Why, you ask? Because I want to succeed. I want to be good. I want to be well-liked. I want to be well-known. I want to THRIVE. But, I had so much going on that my brain shut-down. I had to press the restart button, so to speak, and I've been rebooting, as they say in the technical world. 

I have to apologize. To the two of you who will happen upon this post, I have to say I'm sorry for the previous posts. I went through a rather difficult time. I'm glad to say that I am doing about 29,486 times better. I hate to say it, but it's true:

Time heals wounds. 

Having to re-figure out life by myself (it was only two months, but you get used to relationships) was hard. But, I've realized that I really, really like being by myself. I don't mean to say I like being alone, but I like doing my own thing in my own way, in my own time. I like being independent. I feel like once I get in relationships, I get ahead of myself and want to be with the boy all the time. However, balance in a relationship is key; as it is in life. Having friends and being with people is important, but it's also important to have time to yourself. Realizing this has been something that's been good for me. I have to work on it, but I'll get the hang of it. 

Now, just because I'm getting used to my life again doesn't mean I don't want to punch some people in the face. I hate that I still get a jolt of nerves every time I see certain peoples' names on Instagram or that they've been active on Facebook and that means they haven't texted me or seen how I'm doing. I know, I know, I just took it way back to 8th grade here, but it's what happens. I know that allowing myself to be affected by them living their own lives is stupid, but I can't help it! I'm sure they're not even thinking of me in whatever they're doing, but sometimes I wonder if they see what I'm posting, or if they do something we used to do and it reminds them of me. Ya know? 

I like to think it does.

I moved back home for the summer today. 

It's definitely a bittersweet thing. I am so glad to get away from Ogden and the tense feelings I've been having, and anxious situations I'd been a part of. However, I am sad because I'm going to miss my friends, and the life I've grown used to. The coming of the summer means really letting myself forget about all the things that happened to me this year: the happy memories, the harsh feelings, the sentiments, and the whole getting over the ex boyfriend thing. I have to let go. 

I have a hard time letting myself let go. I think it's got a lot to do with the fact that I over think everything, and I struggle with letting memories drift in to the back of my mind and allowing them to become just that: MEMORIES. I've got to put my past behind me. Hakuna Matata or something. 

Moving away meant leaving this beauty. 

This is my best friend Shawnee. 

She is incredible.

She is one of the strongest people I've ever met.

I knew her before I met her. 

We have become like sisters in the 5 short months we've been friends. 

She gives great advice, isn't afraid to speak her mind, and isn't afraid to be herself. 

Shawnee was someone I wanted to get to know for a long time. She intimidated me because she was cool, already knew everyone, she was the star of the play at school, and she was older than me. I wasn't cool enough to be her friend. Luckily, we got cast in The Will Rogers Follies at school, and I realized that she was just as big of an idiot as I was. It was meant to be. We hit it off right away, and I was so glad to have a girl friend that I could count on. That's the thing about Shawnee: her loyalty is unceasing. I know that she will always be there. I love her for that. 

Shawnee is one of the hardest working people I've ever known. She doesn't take anything for granted. She works for what she gets, and is grateful for what she has. Her talent is more than just singing and dancing and acting. Dedication is a talent. She gets better at her craft with everything she does. She makes sure she knows what she's doing, and she does it fantastically well. We like to be realistic with each other, and we talk about things how they are. In other words, we don't beat around the bush. She always worries about not being as good as she thinks she is, but she is. I don't think she gets how great she is. 

I love this girl so much. I worry about her and pray for her every day. She is my savior at school. I don't know what I'd do without her. Actually, if she wasn't there, I'd have probably killed at least 3 people this year. Maybe more. 

On second thought, she probably would've helped me. 

memories

This week, I had to opportunity to attend a play reading at school. The play was called, "Girl of Glass," and had to do a lot with memories. Something that really stuck with me was the notion that the memories you remember the most are the ones you remember most incorrectly. Isn't that interesting? So, the moments in your life that are the most prized could not even be how you perceive them!

I don't know how I feel about that. In some instances, I'm really glad that some of the memories I've been remembering recently might not be as sweet as I think they were, but on the other hand, that's kind of sad. I guess, you have to take what you remember, and just...remember it.

I've had a REALLY hard last couple of weeks, as I'm sure you gathered from my last post. I'm having a hard time understanding the whole, "bigger picture" aspect of life, and can't quite seem to let certain things go. I know that once I do, my life will be easier, but it's hard when the things you want to forget are ALWAYS around you.
Okay. Lesbihonest. 
I'm talking about a boy. You all know it, I know it, we all know it. (and by we all, I mean the 2.75 of you that will read this.) Yes, it's the same boy I wrote about last post. I seem to forget that I get attached. I HATE that I get attached. I don't like to think that I can give so much of myself to someone, just to have it thrown away, ya know? It's not that I lose control of myself, but I just...let myself care too much. So, when I'm not longer part of that person's life, I can't stop caring. I want them to be happy, but it kills me at the same time. So, I'm stuck in this "I want to be in their life still/I never want to see them again" situation. I want to be a part of his life, but if I try and be too close to him, I'm not going to get over it.

I have a million things going on in my mind at once! I just don't even know what to type, really, because every time I say something, something else just keeps coming up! I want to know WHY. I want to know why we couldn't work. I want to know why I have to feel like this. I want to know why I have to put up with having a sinking feeling in my chest sometimes when I see him. I want to know WHO is going to be the one, and I want to know WHEN I'm going to stop having these feelings towards him.

I just want to be able to be his best friend (like he said he wanted), and not have to worry about feeling like this. So, basically, I sometimes still kind of want to be his girlfriend. I guess. He was my BEST FRIEND, and I miss him! Is that so wrong!?

I hate that I don't know what to do.
I'm not patient.
I know, I know. Have faith, Amelia.

but having faith is HARD.

Emoting

I am doing something I haven't done for a while. Well, okay, I'm doing several things I haven't done in a while:
1. Blogging
2. Watching a show
3. Sitting in my room by myself having alone time


Let's be honest: we all know I LOVE alone time. I mean, I'm the queen of taking myself out on dates, and planning on being a cat lady, and ya know...the works.

However, I was recently in a relationship. A GREAT relationship. It was a ton of fun. I hadn't been this happy in a loooooong time, and I felt really, really, REALLY good about it. I mean, it was different, ya know? The kid let me lick him, and when I asked how he could put up with me, he'd say, "I don't have to put up with you...it's part of your charm!"...and then things weren't really working out. For either of us. Of course. And so we decided it was best to just...end things. I was all for this and ready to go. We were still going to be friends, laugh, talk, tell each other everything, and...it was going to be great. Because I mean, we TALKED about it.

Talking's good, right??

Yes. Talking is key. However, my brain is one of those brains that moves at 12048486394823059238 times the speed of an average person. I think it's a thing...I should be on meds probably.
So, with my special brain, I expected everything to be honky dory the next day.

It wasn't.

I woke up and felt like absolute garbage. I mean 3 week old, been rained on, left out in the street, rotting, smelly garbage. Apparently I was taking it harder than I expected. BIG surprise there.

I cried. I cried A LOT.
I cried ugly cries. And I let people SEE. I cried in public. I wanted to be a person that said, "I've never cried in public," when you play the "Never have I ever..." game, but that dream's now crushed. I knew the second I walked in to school, people knew something was wrong with me.
Also, Don't you just love that feeling? Everyone's staring at you, and you know they are, and you know they know something's wrong with you, but no one's going to ask, and no one's going to stop staring, so the awkwardness ensues. 
Anyway, I was a mess. I knew it, everyone knew it, and we all knew that we all knew it. Even HE knew it. And that made matters worse.

I didn't have a best friend anymore. There were people everywhere, but I felt completely alone. I didn't want to do anything, but I didn't want to be alone. Being awake just meant memories, but going to sleep meant dreaming.

This is all seeming so super a lot dramatic, but the feelings are real. There's nothing you can do but feel them. And that's the worst part. I knew I had to feel low and like I was the bottom of the pile. One thing that hurt the most is that I didn't feel worth it. I had people asking, "why aren't you still together? You guys go SO WELL together. You really worked. You make such a great pair, etc..."
Oh yeah, people? Well, YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

There's nothing worse than wanting to talk to your best friend (or someone you thought to be so) about the crappy time you've been having, but realizing you can't. The one person you want to vent to, is the very person you can't vent to. THE WORST!

I talked to everyone. My mom, my best friend up at school, my best friend from high school, my dad, my voice teacher...if there was anyone who had more than an eternity to listen to my sob story, I would let my emotions spout forth like a freshly thawed creek in spring. But, with each talk, I would make a new discovery. Reasons behind his thinking, reasons behind my thinking, why we wouldn't work, why we would, why I need to move on...it was part of the process, I guess.

You know the song that goes, "breaking up is hard to do."? Well ain't that the truth!? It is so hard. And I HATE IT. I hate dating. There. I said it. I hate dating! Nothing to it. I know I want to be with someone, so why oh why can't they just fall right in my way and say, "Hey, Amelia! I'm here! I've been waiting for you my whole life!!"

Oh yeah. That's not how it works.
Everything happens for a reason. Or something like that.
It does. I REALLY think it does.

I know I'll have ups and downs throughout this process. For instance, right now I want nothing more than to go to his house, knock on his door, let him answer it, and when he does, just...kiss his face. I want to make him remember that we're awesome together. I want him to miss me like I miss him. I want him to realize what he's missing and what I have to offer. I want him to take me back and apologize and I want for it to work. He gets me. I get him. We work.
But we don't. 
We can't. For right now, anyway. For some reason, we aren't supposed to be. It may be forever, it may be for a month...you never know. But, for now, I'm supposed to learn something from this. I'm growing and becoming who I need to be. I HATE that I just used that cliche, but it's true...good will come from this. I know it will.
I hope it will.

It has to.

poison mind

I have a problem.

I let what other people do affect me.

Okay, okay, everyone does, but I let the tiny, little, insignificant actions of others swim around in my head, and drive me crazy.
Usually, it's about boys.
Right now, it's just one boy. And it's driving me crazy.

"Why won't he just talk to me?"
"Did he even mean anything he told me?"
"How can someone say and do the things he did and then just...stop talking to me?"
"How dare he post that picture!"

Those are a few all-to-real examples of things I think about.
Then, obviously, because he doesn't talk to me, it means he hates me, and thinks I'm worthless, and he just used me for his own purposes. And all the reasons he gave for us not being together wouldn't even matter once he met someone else. I was just something to keep him busy for a while. And he's done with me, so he can move on.

And that leaves me.....

Oh well, whatever. It's not like I have to see him all the time or anything...


Wanna know the real kicker?
He never even kissed me.

the year of the dragon

In 2012, I...

Rang in the New Year with my best friends.

Became an original member of Out Of The Blue performing group at Utah State University.

Supported friends as they move up and onward in the performing world.

Had reunions with people who have helped me more than I can say.

Celebrated the marriage of many of my good friends.

                               

Celebrated the life of a man who shaped mine.

Danced with giant babies on stage.

Made friendships that I feel sure will last.

Celebrated birthdays, occasions and accomplishments with old friends.

Reprised my role as Wednesday Addams and made even more amazing friendships.

I transferred schools, and made the best decision I could've made.

Got new roommates that have grown into great, great friends.

Got cast in A Christmas Carol at Hale Centre Theatre and met some of the most talented children ever.

Was the only new student cast in Will Rogers Follies at Weber State University.

 Upheld traditions with my best friends.

Managed to stay single.

Aaaaaaand rang in 2013 in style with my best friends! 

2012 was such a good year for me. There were definitely some hard times, but I grew from them. I was able to hone and improve talents, become even closer with people I love, and found more people I've come to love.

 I can't wait to see what 2013 has in store for me!!

First picture of 2013...gonna be a good one! 

cheap trick

"I want you to want me.

I need you to need me. 

I'd love you to love me

I'm beggin you to beg me."

do you ever want to go up to a boy and sing these lyrics to him?

anybody.....? nobody.....huh.

well, I want to sing these lyrics to someone. right now.

I think I have a habit of liking people that are unavailable to me for whatever reason.

Like such as, being in a "half relationship". Who does that? The reason for this half relationship? 

SHE'S STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Okay....so he's younger than me too, but...come on dude! Get real. Leave high school where it happened. It's easier for everyone. 

When I heard that, that immediately turned me off. I was good to get over it.

However....we get along really well. We chat about whatever's on our minds, joke around, and have a lot of things in common. 

Yet another, "I hate that I like this boy" situation. 

I just want someone to cuddle with and watch movies with and talk with and have fun with....is that too much to ask!? 

Probably.

i think i'm going to be sick tomorrow.

I have realized a lot of things lately.

1. Being on your own is okay. You don't need someone by your side all the time; you may learn more than you would with someone leading you every step of the way.

2. Trying to be everyone's best friend will never work. Sometimes, you just want to punch people in the face. Exercising restraint is a smart idea.

3. Moving on with your life helps you grow. Trying to stay in contact with everyone you've known since 7th grade is impossible. It may cause you to feel out of the loop, but you have to stop and think if it's a loop you want to be in. If it's not, let it go.

4. Be yourself. Trying to remember who you are for which people is exhausting. Holding fast to standards, quirks, beliefs and things you love will help weed out unwanted people and negativity in your life. Don't apologize for being you.

5. Eight out of Nine times, the boy you're getting an ulcer over isn't getting an ulcer over you. RELAX.

6. Your friends who are currently out of your life for, oh, let's say two years will come back. You won't be the same, but you can build friendships that will be even better.

7. Crying is okay.

8. Everything happens for a reason. So cliche, but so true.

9. Reading books lets you escape from your life and delve into someone else's, even if it's for 15 minutes.

10. Being smart isn't something to hide. Let people know you mean business.

11. Pretty is a relative term. If you think you're pretty, other people will too.

12. Believe in santa. Believe in unicorns. Believe in magic. Believe in fairytales.

13. In contrast, don't be thick. Keep your head on straight, and don't let yourself get carried too far away.

14. DO WHAT YOU LOVE. Going to work and hating what you do isn't worth it. So what if you don't make money? You'll be happy. (i know it's not that simple, but go with it.)

15. Let people live their own lives. Trying to fix other peoples' problems will only create more for you. Give advice when it's asked for, but don't get too invested.

16. Be happy to be you.

17. Finally, push yourself. Do things that exercise your mind and make you grow in every aspect of your life. Being idle will cause laziness, which will cause fatigue, which will make you stop growing. Grow people, GROW.

You're cheating yourself if you don't.