thinking...

Here's the thing.

Why must we think?
Have you ever asked yourself that question before?
Why do things happen with people or at parties or on a car ride...and then you have to think about it afterward to help it all make sense?
And sometimes, even after thinking, things are just as confusing as ever?

I bet you've thought that.
You have.
Admit it.
Maybe not after a car ride, but you've asked yourself, "WHY DO I THINK!?"

I asked myself that question last night, as a matter of fact.
I often find myself thinking after an interaction with a male.
Usually, for me, I'm considered "the buddy".
Anyone else "the buddy"?
Well, being the buddy sucks. It sucks hard, my friends.

Anyway, last night, I was forced to think about a situation that has become rather prominent in my life.
I thought I was sending the right signals, but then I found out that I might not be. I was forced to wonder if the boy on the receiving end of my signals was oblivious, or if he was not noticing them on purpose? Am I in the "friend zone"? How does he see me? Why aren't we dating right now? What else do I need to do?
I hate thinking.

In reality, I probably need to do a whole lot more.
When I think I'm "sending signals", I'm really just talking to someone--or so I've been told.
Also, this formula will help to understand my situation:

1 awkward, nervous girl + 1 awkward boy + 19385762350 awkward situations = no progression towards a real relationship.

This boy and I find ourselves in situations where the awkwardness is almost paralyzing*.
*I do not recommend watching Dinner For Schmucks when you want to cuddle with someone for the first time.
We talk and get along fantastically. We laugh and we joke and we chat about anything and everything. But, when it gets to what could be an intimate part of the night, things just get down-right weird. It's like we're both waiting for the other one to make a move, which we both know is never going to happen. Also, I think boy (that's what he will be affectionately referred to from now on) may be a bit stupid. The sometimes-adorable-sometimes-very-frustrating kind of stupid.

I want to be over it, but I can't help it. I hate that about myself. Once I start something, I get stuck on it for a long while.
It's rather annoying.

I suppose what I'll have to do is make my mind up whether I want to go for the gold and put myself out there, or decide that it's not worth it.

Also, I miss all the Elders in my life.
Missions are awesome but they suck.

Poop.

i'm sorry...?

so...i guess lagoon starts tomorrow, or something.

there are some new developments in my life (if you could call it that).

i have a boyfriend. HA. jk.

I don't have a boyfriend. But, what I do have is a crush.
Yep. a BIG, FAT CRUSH.
I hate it.
But I love it.
You know how that goes, right?
You want someone to notice you....then when they do, you get nervous and start to kind of ignore them because you don't know how to talk to them....then you work up the courage to talk to them, and you sound like an IDIOT because you think you make sense but you don't.
Does that happen to anyone?...no? okay, so it's just me.
Oh well.
So that's going on...I'll let you (aka myself) know if anything happens with that!


Also, I moved into a house in Ogden.
It's ghettolicious.
Aka, the landlords don't give two craps--not even one single crap about what it looks like.
So, I guess one of my roommates got bit by a spider and then moved out, our yard is YELLOW, the water system doesn't work. Our bathroom looks like something you'd find in the pit of dispair, and our basement...well, our basement is the pit of dispair. SO AWESOME.
I guess it'll be an adventure!


I start classes tomorrow, and I'm excited!
It's weird that I'm going to a new school...I'm probably totally unprepared, but that doesn't matter.
I'll get prepared later.
That's what later's for.


On top of all that, sometimes I get VERY emotional.
Sometimes means tonight.

yes i can!

Have you ever been so determined to do something that it kind of shocks you?

Well, recently, I've been having this thing called determination sneak up on me. It wasn't until last night that I really felt determined.
It's kind of scary, actually.

Let me explain:
I went to see the musical "Wicked" for my 5th time, at the capitol theatre. It was AMAZING. That show never disappoints. The whole time, I sat there thinking, "I could do this. I KNOW I could do this." I had a vivid vision (almost like a prophecy?) of myself up on the stage doing what those actors were doing.
I have always kind of been wishy washy about what to do with my life. But, now I know. I need to try it. I need to get out and see what I can become. I KNOW I could be Elphaba. SO, I'm determined to make my way.

I don't really know where to start or how to achieve my end goal, but I know that that is my goal. To be completely green and sing "Defying Gravity". To be someone's role model. To change someone's life through my passion. To tell an amazing story through a beautifully written character--to have that kind of power is amazing to me. I want to do it. Not just to prove to people I could do it, but to prove to MYSELF I can do it.
Because you know what? Making myself proud is the most important thing.

I CAN DO IT!!!

So, here's to studying hard, soaking up everything I can at school, going for crazy opportunities, and MAKING SOMETHING OF MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

wish me luck.

day one

Day 1:
15 Facts about yourself & a recent picture.

Well, here I am just playing some Rockband. 

15 FACTS

1. I love to sing.

2. I love to hang out with my friends.

3. I know billions of random facts about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Don't ask me how.

4. I work at Lagoon Amusement Park as a performer in the day show Shubert Alley.

5. I'm majoring in Musical Theatre.

6. I skipped 2nd grade.

7. I wish I were crafty, but I don't have the patience for it.

8. I want to buy every piece of clothing I see on Pretty Little Liars.

9. There isn't one type of food that I won't try.

10. I'm transferring to a new college, and I'm SO NERVOUS.

11. Sometimes, I pretend I'm a disney princess and I practice my signatures.

12. I am going to be a bridesmaid for the first time in August.

13. I miss my grandpa.

14. I wish I were at the beach right now.

15. I play the piano and the guitar.

30 days

sooooo

i was readin a blog. my friend melduff's blog, to be exact.
she did something really awesome:

30 DAY CHALLENGE
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts.
Day 2: Nicknames.
Day 3: Your first love.
Day 4: Your parents.
Day 5: What song inspires you.
Day 6: Pet peeves.
Day 7: What makes you happy.
Day 8: A place you’ve traveled to and where else you want to travel.
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend.
Day 10: Something you’re afraid of.
Day 11: A quote you love.
Day 12: Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 13: Goals.
Day 14: A picture of you last year – how have you changed?
Day 15: Death row meal.
Day 16: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.
Day 17: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs.
Day 18: Something you miss.
Day 19: Things you want to say to an ex.
Day 20: Something you wonder “What if…?” about.
Day 21: Something you’re proud of.
Day 22: What do you want your future to be like?
Day 23: Favorite Movies and TV Show.
Day 24: Something you’ve learned.
Day 25: Something you are looking forward to.
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding.
Day 27: Photo of your city .
Day 28: What stresses you out?
Day 29: Who is you hero?
Day 30: A picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge.

So, in the next post, that's what I'll be doing!

I cannot sleep.
Definitely too much on my mind.

SPRING FEVER IS REAL, PEOPLE. 
I know 7 people that got engaged over spring break. SEVEN. 

With the warm weather comes happiness. With the happiness comes twitterpation. 
                          
You remember what happens in Bambi...well, these deers, skunks and rabbits aren't alone--humans are just as bad. Not that it's bad to be in love, but I mean, it's not happening to me, so I guess I'm a little bitter.
Not bitter...but jealous. Yes, jealousy is a good word. 


Speaking of twitterpation, one of my best friends, Sherie Anne Millward is getting married in less than a month! 

It's insane! But, she and her fiance, Blake are perfect for each other. They're both EXTREMELY weird, and they're the same person. They compliment each other nicely, and they will have the most wonderful life together on their ranch. In Idaho....suckers. 


I have other friends that are becoming more serious with their boyfriends and are getting the "feelings" you get that come with the knowledge that you may be getting married soon---CRAZAY. I don't think I'm mad, I'm just realizing that this isn't just daydreaming anymore. I can't say, "won't it be crazy when the first one of us gets married?" to my friends anymore. It's already happened. 
It is happening now. 
I think the hardest part for me is that they're finding their new best friends, and I know I'm not being demoted, but they now have someone that they would rather spend time with. I mean, if I had a boy who adored me I would so much rather spend my time with him. Hands down. 


Anyway, enough about my patheticness...


Lately I've been thinking a lot about the person that I want to be.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect--wait, that might be a little bit of a lie because i'm the LAZIEST person I know. And, that's what I've come to realize--I'm not being the best I can be. I can HELP a lot more. I can DO a lot more. I can BE a lot more.

I don't know where I'd be about pinterest. I found this gem while searching through the thousands of wonderful pins. "Be the type of person you want to meet." 

That really struck a chord with me for some reason. 

I've been thinking about the type of people I want to meet (friends, boyfriends, anyone).

I want to meet people who are exciting. 

People who have a lot to offer. 

People who are ambitious. 

People who aren't afraid to speak their minds. 

People who wear their beliefs on their sleeves. 

People who know who they are. 

People who accomplish things. 

People who are unique. 

People who have talent and use those abilities to help others. 

People who get out and do things. 

People who are kind. 

People who are generous. 

People who serve others. 

People who are comfortable in any situation. 

People who can laugh. 

People who know the importance of families and friends. 

People who know that everything has a place.

People who surround themselves with nothing but positivity.

People who are optimistic.

People who are smart.

....as you can see, I have a lot to work on. I think I'm well on my way, but there are always things to get better at. Good, Better, Best. That's the goal.

I know that striving to have all of these things will help me find people who want the same in their lives. Hopefully one of those people is my future husband and best friend. Maybe I already know him, but we both have growing to do. Maybe it will be together. Maybe it won't. Maybe I have no idea who he is. Wherever he is, I hope he is working to become the man he wants to be. Most importantly, I hope both of us never stop working to be the people God KNOWS we can be. 

wow. I'm rather insightful at 2:30 in the morning. 

I have an audition on saturday, and I'm scared. 

What if I'm too tall? What if I have the wrong look? What if my voice cracks? What if I don't get the part?...so many questions!! 

Ah well, such is the life of an actor. 

I love my major. LOVE IT. I'm so excited to be able to teach kids what I love to do. I finally feel like I'm getting a grasp on the "Acting" thing, and I can kind of get words out that adequately describe how to accomplish this feeling. It's not perfect yet, but that's what school is for! 

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say. 

Oh, I'm going to get sushi today. That's keeping me from sleeping the most, I think.

I really should be more productive, but spring has sprung, and I couldn't care less!!

Oopsies. 

patience is a virtue

Here's the thing:
I had a self-revelation last night.
I am the most IMPATIENT person I've ever known to exist.
And you know what? I don't think it's entirely my fault.
Hear me out:

Ever since I was little, I have been surrounded by movies; movies about love, about success, about journeys, about anything! In these movies, the main character always (okay, usually) achieves their goal within 2-3 hours. Or 4 if it's LOTR. Because of the sped-up timeframe of movies, I have been conditioned to believe that my success in life and love will happen just as quickly.

May I just say, this idea is WRONG. Wrong, I tell you! 
Life takes time, people. It takes a lot of time. I mean...it's life.
I always used to think that I would find a wonderful RM by the time I was 18 or 19, he would adore the crap out of me, an we would fall in love, date for a few months, and get married. I mean, I'd heard fairytales from the older girls in my ward, or newlyweds in the plays I was in of how their best friend from high school came home from his mission, they dated for 2 months, realized they were meant to be together, and voila! Their Happily Ever After ensues.

Well, as these day dreams of the future have flown into the present, I am becoming very aware (seeing as how I'm 19 now) that I won't be getting married any time soon (i mean, maybe i will...you never know). I know that in order for me to find "the one" or to discover "where I'm supposed to be," I must be comfortable with who I am. However, this becomes difficult because the girls who were once the "older girls" are now my friends. My great friends, in fact. And they're all finding wonderful men, and developing wonderful relationships. I long for what they have--someone to love, someone who, at the end of a wonderful, fun evening you don't have to leave, but you can stay with them.

I know I will find the person I'm supposed to be with. I know I will. However, my romantic heart makes that very difficult. I long for the stories in the movies I'm so familiar with. Who's to say that it won't be that way? No one. The boy that I like right now could be my husband! But, the boy that I like right now isn't going to say, "hey! so, I've been thinking, after hanging out one-on-one a few times that we should REALLY consider getting married." Life doesn't work that way. He has his own life to live too. He needs to figure things out on his own time--for my benefit or not.

Still, sometimes I just wish Heavenly Father would give me a tiny glimpse into my future. Maybe a two-year timeframe for when I'll meet the right one. But, that would be too easy, and it would take the point out of this life--to spiritually and personally develop, learn, and discover new things. I personally think I'll marry someone I already know, but, then again...you never do know. I think it's easy to look at what someone else has and say, "I'm doing what I'm supposed to...why isn't that happening to me?"

Here's the answer: PATIENCE. Having patience that time will bring you everything you want is...well...it's faith. Faith and patience are so intricately interlaced that you can hardly tell the difference. Having patience isn't putting your life on hold and not letting things happen to you. You have to LIVE in order to live. Does that make sense? It does to me.

I've always told myself that, "the one who's THE ONE will be the first boy I don't worry or think a lot about." Well friends, that's absolute BULLLLLL. I'm a dreamer. A romantic. I'm always going to worry about boys, and that's that.

But, I know whoever he is, the right guy for me will come with a whole lot of patience.

Oh, and don't forget faith.